In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Alright, let’s talk about one of my all time favorite douchebags. Oh, and let me apologize up front. This one is pretty long.

Marcus Schrenker AKA The Legendary Jackass

Marcus Schrenker’s story is the stuff of legend.

The beginning.

Marcus Schrenker was a successful dude. He had a major stake in three financial services/insurance companies, owned a multi-million dollar home and was married to a Barbie-esque babe. Hell, he owned not one, but two planes, and if that’s not a sign that times are good I don’t know what is.

But then, somewhere along the way, he discovered fraud and like so many others, was taken in by its many charms.

Now as far as fraud goes, Mr. Schrenker is a light weight. The full scope of his (alleged) fraud is still a little hazy due to the fact that it is spread over multiple states and businesses, but it all started when seven of his clients in Indiana filed a complaint against him for not telling them that they would face high fees if they switched annuities. These people switched, lost around $250,000 each and called for Marcus’ head. But like I said, that’s just a start. He’s definitely had his hand in more fraud pies than just that one, and the full breadth of his money ShamWow-ness will definitely come out before it’s all said and done.

So there’s the fraud part. This is where most of these trading cards would end. But not this one. Oh no, Marcus Schrenker’s story is just now getting started.

The real story.

Once the shit started hitting the fan, Mr. Schrenker made the rational decision and decided to fake his own death (It was all the rage there for a while). He then carried this rational thinking through and decided to carry out this faked death via the raw power of a plane crash.

Now you can see why I’m calling this guy The Legendary Jackass.

On January 11 of this year, Mr. Schrenker took off in his single engine plane bound for Florida. A short time later, while his plane was over Alabama, he made a distress call saying that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely.

This is a good time for me to stop and make sure you guys are paying attention to the details. All of this stuff will come up again later. It’s going to be like the last scene in The Usual Suspects, only not nearly as awesome.

Ok. So he, according to his distress call, was bleeding profusely. The ultimate faked death was coming together flawlessly. From here he put the plane on auto pilot and parachuted out like James Bond. The plane flew along for another two hours before it finally crashed — only yards from a residential area.

Mr. Schrenker meanwhile had landed in Childersburg, Alabama. Upon landing he went to the first house he came across and asked to use the phone. He was wet from the knees down but he covered that with a story about a canoeing accident. He covered for a fake plane crash by creating a fake canoe crash. This guy is so brilliant.

He got a ride into town and went to the police. Yeah. The police. Now at this time word had not spread that he was dead or whatever, so the cops were looking to help. They gave him a ride to Harpersville, Alabama where he stayed the night at a local hotel under a fake name. Sometime in the night he checked out and made his way to a nearby storage facility where he had stashed a motorcycle loaded up with supplies.

That’s right, folks. He had traveled to Harpersville at an earlier time and planted a motorcycle. This is a professional operation. Marcus Schrenker is not fucking around.

Well…actually…he kind of was fucking around.

The unraveling.

Let me explain (and I hope you all were paying attention). After his distress call, two nearby planes flew to his location to get a better look at his plane. What they saw was an undamaged plane with an intact windshield. The door was open and no one was inside.

Uh oh.

Once the plane crashed a team was dispatched to investigate it. The team knew within minutes that this whole thing was bullshit. Mr. Schrenker’s story was that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely. Unfortunately for The Legendary Jackass, there was no blood anywhere inside the plane.

I guess he didn’t think to splash some ketchup around before jumping.

The investigators also found a couple other clues. They found maps and campground directories for the entire U.S., with the Alabama and Florida pages ripped out. They also found, scribbled on the back of that campground directory, what appeared to be a script. It simply said, “cracked windshield, window imploded, bleeding profusely.”

Wow. This is a complete botch job.

The end (for now).

From here the authorities tracked Mr. Schrenker to a campground in Quincy, Florida. Marcus had arrived there some time earlier and set up camp. He had purchased two things from the campground owners: firewood (understandable) and a six pack of Bud Light Lime (huh?). By the time the authorities reached him he had cut his arm in two places. He was obviously trying to kill himself but, in true Marcus Schrenker style, had botched that as well.

And that’s pretty much it. He’s currently awaiting his trial for all of the charges that stem from his faked death attempt, and in true legendary jackass fashion, has pleaded not guilty to all counts. His lawyers are going to undoubtedly go for an insanity plea.

Or they may just blame it all on the Bud Light Lime.

Get your Marcus Schrenker shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

• #7: The AIG 73
  
• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: airplanes, Barbie, botch, Marcus Schrenker, Shithead Trading Cards, suicide

This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 2:10 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.