In This Economy?

It’s time for another episode of Waste of Money.

Today I’m going to rant about:

Fast & Furious

Fast & Furious is the latest installment in the reliably shitty The Fast and The Furious franchise. In case you were blissfully unaware, this franchise deals with the (formerly) super-underground world of illegal street racing. The creatively titled Fast & Furious is the fourth film in this series.

Before I delve into why FF4 is a waste of money I want to look back at the first three films.

The Fast and The Furious — The original. If you’re looking for a movie that has fast looking cars, tank top wearing douchebags named Dom, Ja Rule and that Paul Walker robot who’s been in a bunch of movies then this is the movie for you. I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but I’d be willing to bet that after this movie’s surprising success the sale of awesome car accessories like oversized spoilers and decorative mudflaps went up exponentially. Hell, truck nuts may have even seen a bump (but not a lump…because that’d be a sign of truck testicular cancer).

This first movie put a commercial spin on the world of street racing. It made it accessible to everyone. And, as a result, there are still thousands of “customized” Dodge Neons on the road today that serve as proof of its popularity. This first movie also made a star out of Vin Diesel. In fact it made him into such a big star that he passed on the sequel, which leads us to…

2 Fast 2 Furious — In this sequel the Paul Walker robot joins forces with some of his bros in Miami. The end of the first movie left SO MANY questions hanging:

• Did I just watch Point Break?
• Is that Paul Walker dude a robot?
• Why am I watching this?
• Why DID he bring the busta there?

But instead of getting the viewers answers to these and other lingering queries, the producers simply ripped the script from FF1 in half, set this new half-script in Miami and got to work. Did I mention that this one takes place in Miami? Yeah? Shit.

There isn’t much else to say about it. Let’s move on to…

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift — For this sequel they took the newly created half-script from FF2 (or would it be 2F2F?) and tore it in half again. They then set this newly crafted quarter-script in Tokyo and called it a movie. Apparently the Paul Walker robot was unavailable for this one so they hired a cast of lesser known actors (with the exception of Zachery Ty Bryan of Home Improvement fame…that dude is a fucking big bright shining star).

The result of all these changes was, well, it was a great big pile of shit. BUT it was a great big pile of shit that took place in Tokyo! How cool is that?!? And then at the end of FF3 Vin Diesel (who could sense his career was dying fastly and furiously) appeared in a cliffhangerish cameo that set up where we are today with…

Fast & Furious — This latest movie has reunited the stellar cast from the original. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker robot are back for more. Now obviously this movie has not come out yet, so I am judging it based solely on its trailer…but based on the previous FF movies, I think that’s pretty fair. Especially if they do what I think they’re going to do and just reuse the script from FF1 with a few names and events changed. I wonder if Ja Rule will be back for this one…

Or maybe they’re going to take the quarter-script that was used in Tokyo Drift and tear it in half again, creating a sweet eighth-of-a-script. That entire script will look exactly like this:

Paul Walker robot (PWr): Bro?

Vin Diesel (VD): Bro.

PWr: BRO!

VD: Bro…

(Car explodes and woman walks by in bikini)

PWr & VD: Bro.

VD: THE BUSTA KEPT ME OUTTA HANDCUFFS!

The End.

That’s it. That’s Fast & Furious. Only it’s like 90 minutes. The car exploding takes up like a whole hour.

Seriously, this movie is going to suck. Real bad.

And worse than that, it’s going to be a waste of money.

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Oh, and just out of curiosity:

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Previously on Waste of Money:

• Snugglette
• Truck Nuts

Tags: Fast & Furious, Ja Rule, movies, Paul Walker robot, street racing, truck nuts, vin diesel, waste of money

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 at 1:20 PM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.