In This Economy?

We’ve all heard of them. Whether we learned about them in Sunday School or just by watching an awesomely freaky Brad Pitt movie, we know them. The Seven Deadly Sins. And in this economy, they’re running rampant. Thriving. Profiting.

So, if you’re feeling lazy, thinking about becoming an adult film star to make your next buck, or if you’re just plain’ ol angry at the economy, read on.

LUST

Photo: ¥§•ªˆ¨?© LOVE © ?¨ˆª•§¥'s via Flickr

Arguably the most fun of the seven deadly sins, as most of us would probably agree. And that’s probably why the adult entertainment business is seeing a “rise” ITE:

• First, an increasing number of women are turning to stripping and acting in adult films to make a buck (crazy “Octo-Mom” excluded).

• Now, U.S. cable and satellite services are trying to tap into the industry by planning increases in pay-per-view porn promotions.

• And could lazy, porn-watching cube monkeys be the reason for the flaccid economy?

So, today’s lesson? Stop watching porn at work and take it to the strip clubs. At least that way you’re “stimulating” the economy.

GLUTTONY

Photo: ClintJCL via Flickr

America already has a weight problem (64% of us are considered overweight), but thanks to this economy, we can look forward to even more fat asses walking around. As food prices continue to soar, more and more people are turning to fast food — especially as more and more chains develop value menus. Fuck, even Dairy Queen has a value menu now.

Don’t believe it? Just look to the golden arches. McDonald’s posted record sales in the 3rd quarter of ’08 — up 11% from the same a year before. And it’s not just them. The National Restaurant Association estimates that sales in 2009 are forecast to increase four percent.

And to add on to all of this super-sized gluttony? Not only are we eating cheaper/unhealthier foods just to save a buck, we’re also eating it for comfort! As the New York Times points out: The recession seems to have a sweet tooth. As the economy continues to worsen, Americans have been consuming growing volumes of candy. Everything from Tootsie Rolls to Gummy Bears.

Well, I guess since a record number of people are out of a job, they’ll have plenty of time to find out just how many licks it actually takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Which leads us to…

SLOTH

Photo: austrina via Flickr

Also known as laziness. It’s not just for the fat/old Sloth Cart-riders anymore. Now there’s a new kind of lazy. It’s the kind that sneaks in during the night and grabs you while you’re watching reruns of Futurama or something.

So you’ve been laid off. And you start with the intention of getting back on your feet with another job, STAT. But then new lazy comes in. The Sloth comes to get you. He puts you in your Barkalounger® with a bag of Funyuns in one hand and your Xbox controller in the other.

It’s true. The video gaming industry just posted a 10% year-over-year increase last month. Xbox, PlayStation, Wii — they’ve all seen increases in sales too.

So, there you sit. Lazy as all get out. Playing Halo. Or maybe it’s Mario Kart. Why not hit the gym?

Oh wait: The American Council on Exercise did a survey of its certified fitness professionals, and 48 percent expected gym memberships to decrease in 2009; 52 percent said fewer people will hire personal trainers.

So, we’re all going to be sitting around selling gold and babies for money, playing video games and not having to work out? Maybe the recession ain’t so bad.

WRATH

Photo: joeltelling via Flickr

Wrath is not subtle. It’s what happens after you give a detective his wife’s head in a box. And ITE, we’re seeing a whole lot more of it. Wrath that is. Not heads in boxes. Therefore, it wasn’t hard to find examples such as:

• A man getting shot over a parking spot

• Routine traffic stops turning into shootouts

• Certain musicians beating the living hell out of their much more talented singer girlfriends

Fuck, the entire country of South Africa is so hell-bent against peace, they won’t give a Visa to the frickin’ Dalai Llama. Even actors on Grey’s Anatomy are so frustrated with the economy, they’re just knocking the shit out of each other on camera.

Beware: Wrath is everywhere. So if you are thinking about snaking someone’s parking spot this week, let it go. It might just save your life.

ENVY

Photo: Christina Snyder via Flickr

ITE, we’re all jealous of something. So, here are a few helpful definitions to help you express your feelings:

Job-envy: N. The feeling you get when you realize all your friends who still have jobs are just coincidentally working, and actually skilled and hard-working. WTF?

Canada-envy: N. That sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you realize Canada hasn’t had to spend any of their taxpayer money to bail out corrupt financial institutions.

Bonus-envy: N. 1) The jealousy you experience when you realize the people who got us into this fucking shit hole just got paid a bonus that’s probably more than you make in 10 years. 2) Wishing you were the Bonus Jonas.

PRIDE

Photo: Evil Erin via Flickr

When examining whether or not pride is recession proof I find myself drawn to the legions of people continuing to live outside their means in this country. The idea of keeping up with the Joneses is still very much alive, the only problem is that both The Joneses and you are flat broke.

Examples of people living outside their means range from the complete insanity of the eight-ring Octo-mom circus to more common cases, like this story about a bus driver losing her $800,000 home. I’ve never been a bus driver and I don’t have any idea what sort of salary they typically get, but an $800,000 home? Really?

If the choice is between keeping up with the Joneses and their six figure debt (Sally Jones just had to have that lake house…bitch) and staying financially buoyant, I’ll gladly float along all day.

And just in case you’re not completely convinced on this one, well, at least there’s the thousands of women who are so full of themselves that they think they should be a supermodel. Enough of them, even, to cause a stampede in the middle of New York City. Yeah, it’s as fun to watch as it was to write about.

And finally…

GREED

Photo: lanulop via Flickr

This is the easy one. Some quick examples of how greed has stayed strong during this economic shit tsunami are HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE.

Want more?

• Greed is a company’s CFO embezzling nearly $10 million so she can buy expensive shoes.
• Greed is needing $53,000 a week just to cover your basic expenses.
• Greed is a $35,000 toilet.

And that’s just a light sampling. There are literally hundreds of other examples.

But greed isn’t all bad. Without greed our economy probably never would have fallen this far, and without that long fall we probably never would have started this blog. And, well, that would have just been a real shame.

So thank you greed — for birthing us.

Tags: Brad Pitt, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, Seven deadly sins, sloth, wrath

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 at 2:36 PM and is filed under Bad News, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.