In This Economy?

Geitner = Asset Pimp

So for the past couple weeks we’ve been hearing the broken-record-of-an-idea that the government is going to sell off the “bad assets” of financial institutions to get rid of their toxic stuff. What the hell does that mean? I mean, after you do some hardcore yoga or get a Swedish massage, you have to drink a lot of water to “flush the toxins out” of your body. I know that. And toxins are bad when they’re dumped like oil into the ocean and cute little ducks come out looking like oil slicks with webbed feet. Yet, none of these has anything to do with the price of eggs, or the current economic shitstorm. Or do they? Bottom line? Toxic things are bad, and they have to be removed. True for cancer, unwanted hair, and bad assets.

Basically, a toxic asset is something a company owns that cannot be valued because no one will buy it. For example, let’s say you own a house for which you paid $100K. You think the house is worth $100K. Now, let’s say CNN writes a report about how your house is a deathtrap. Soon everyone believes your house is a deathtrap. So now, regardless of what you’ve paid for it, no one will buy it. Congratu-fucking-lations, you’ve got yourself a bad asset — an asset that you own but can’t sell. And Geithner’s plan is to give a government-backed guarantee to potential buyers that the assets will appreciate in value. So if they buy the toxic assets, they’ll be worth a certain amount in the future.

So who buys bad assets? Badasses.

Right. So I’ve decided to do my part to help the economy by brainstorming and listing out some of the badasses we could get to bail out the banks, since we Average Joe’s of America are fucking sick of doing it.

So without further ado, here are the

Top 10 Badasses Who Should Bail Out Banks By Buying Bad Assets

10. Steven Seagal

Then again, he’s probably broke.

the economy makes him angry.

9. Warren Buffett

Super rich, and Bill Gates — while richer — could never be a badass.

interchangeable, really.

8. Jimmy Buffett

Why the hell not? See above.

7. Johnny Depp

Pirate badass.

boating badass.

6. Bruce Willis

Fatass. badass.

bad movie.

5. Richard Branson

Your own island = badass.

virgin (airline) badass.

4. Shaq

Basketball/actor/Twitter badass.

#Shaqvitation

3. DMX

His bad ass is in prison!

first we gotta rock...

2. Vin Diesel

Furious badass.

fast money?

1. Chuck Norris

Obvi!

Chuck Norris can fix the economy with one pectoral.

Just how much do these badasses have to spend? Turns out there is a TRILLION dollars worth of bad assets up for sale. According to Geithner himself, this plan he’s come up with is “the best of several bad options”.

Kind of like these ten dudes.

Tags: bailout, banks, chuck norris, DMX, seagal, shaq, Timothy Geithner, toxic assets, twitter, vin diesel, willis

This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 4:36 PM and is filed under Bad News, Humor, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.