In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

With that said, this is a VERY SPECIAL shithead trading card.

The AIG 73 AKA Team Douchebag

That’s right folks. It’s the first ever shithead trading card team card!

Now before I jump into it, I need to make a statement about AIG. Some people on this blog (me) have been writing a lot about AIG lately. And some of the work that these people (me again) have been doing has been pretty lame (GIA? WTF?). Due to this lack of comedic inspiration, these people (I) had decided to basically stop reporting on AIG and their fucked bonuses entirely.

That was, until yesterday.

Yesterday more details came to light about that $165 million in bonuses. Details like the fact that 73 dudes at AIG got a bonus of a million dollars or more despite the less-than-stellar job AIG has been doing. Or a detail like the fact that each of these 73 newly minted millionaires came out of the economy-killing, Financial Products division. The damning details just kept coming, so here we are.

The best part of it all is that 11 of the 73 millionaires don’t even work for AIG anymore. And the bonuses are supposed to be retention bonuses. AIG is retaining people who don’t even work for them. IDIOTS! GAH! I’m really trying to be sensitive to the precarious legal position AIG is in with all of this bonus money and the contracts it’s tied into, but how do you not game plan for that? I want one of these contracts. A contract that says I can walk away from a job and still get paid my retention bonus months later. That’s a REALLY sweet deal. IDIOTS! GAH!

As for the government, they are currently splitting time between figuring out how to retrieve this money and crafting tough guy soundbites. Want an example of one of those soundbites? It’s tough. Like Clint Eastwood tough.

Allow me to paraphrase:

I would suggest they come before the American people and say, I’m sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.

We can give Iowa Senator Charles Grassley credit for that one. Last time I checked no one at AIG had taken his advice.

So the soundbites are happening but what about actually getting the money back? Well, there seems to be some productive news there, too. According to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, AIG will have to pay back all the bonus money and then some. It’s like this:

“We will impose on AIG a contractual commitment to pay the treasury from the operations of the company the amount of the retention awards just paid, in addition, we will deduct from the $30 billion in assistance an amount equal to the amount of those payments.”

So now AIG gets to pay the government $330 million for the $165 million it flushed with these bonuses.  Although I must say, while I appreciate and respect the action being taken here, there are still two problems with all of this.

First: the money AIG will be paying back is basically the government’s money to begin with. I mean, the government has nearly an 80% stake in AIG. It’s like they’re paying us back with money they stole from our wallets. But, as I said above, the action is still very much appreciated.

Oh, and second: The AIG 73 are going to get to keep their money. Shit.

Speaking of Team Douchebag’s 73 members, AIG is still refusing to give out their names (despite Andrew Cuomo’s demands) so they’re all anonymous for now. Sort of like Batman, if Batman were an Audi driving jerkoff with overly producted hair. Or a popped collar, pink shirt wearing croquet buff. Or a dude who only owns khaki colored pants (khaki colored jeans included). Or a boat shoe wearing yachtsman who is trying to get back to shore in time to make it to the midnight screening of Top Gun he got tickets for. Or a sidepart-sporting equestrian enthusiast who guffaws instead of laughs. Or Patrick Bateman (wait Batman IS Patrick Bateman…ignore this one). Or a dude who calls his dad bro. Or a dude who has a Flo Rida song as a ringtone because he thinks “the beat is awesome”. Or a dude who wears sunglasses indoors.  Or a dude wh—

Whoa.

I got caught in a black hole of stereotyping there and almost didn’t make it out.

You get the idea though, right? The AIG 73 is not awesome like Batman. They suck. Like herpes. Yeah, herpes.

Fear not though because when their names are eventually revealed I’ll be there to make up a silly, childish variation on each one. It’s my duty to all of you guys out there. Hell, it’s my duty to America.

And I, unlike pretty much everyone at AIG, am good at my job.

Get your AIG 73 shithead trading card now!

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Complete the set:

• #6: Samuel Israel III
• #5: Annette Yeomans
• #4: Bernie Madoff
• #3: John Thain
• #2: Nadya Suleman
• #1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: AIG, Andrew Cuomo, Charles Grassley, GIA, herpes, Patrick Bateman, Shithead Trading Cards, Timothy Geithner

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 9:50 AM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.