In This Economy?

Something has recently come to my attention and I need to bring it to yours. With the inevitable failure of human society just on the horizon, it appears that we will no longer be at the top of the food chain. So who will fill this void? What will the new society be based on? Dolphins? Cats and dogs? Giant Radioactive Cockroaches?!

My research point to primates. Chimpanzees in particular. Over the last few months, monkey attacks have been on the rise. (And to all you “scientific” types, I’m aware monkeys and primates are different, but I’m still going to interchange the terms to help with any humor and/or alliteration.) Are they upset with AIG still getting $165 million bonuses after a $173 billion bailout? Have they lost their Monkey Market 401(k)s because of greedy investors? Are their habitats going into foreclosure due to late banana payments? I think something much bigger is going on here: they’re getting ready to take over.

Evidence 1

Weapons of Monkey Destruction

According to this article, a chimp named Santino has been stockpiling stones in his cage to hurl at Swedish zoo visitors. Scientists say it’s just a very interesting form of aggression. I say Santino is getting armed for a revolution.

Evidence 2

Monkeys are stealing our shit.

Emulating the current trends of investment bankers, drug lords, Annette Yeomans and Oliver Twist, Rhesus monkeys off the coast of Puerto Rico have learned how to steal when no one’s looking. They will actually wait until your eyes are covered or averted and then filch your wallet, strip you of your watch and rip off your hubcaps with their tiny monkey crowbars. And no one will help you if you try to take a monkey to court. Which leads to my next two-fold case.

Evidence 3

Chimps will rip your fucking face off!

Recently a woman named Charla had most of her face ripped off and was beaten half to death by a neighbor chimp named Travis. The 200 pound ape was suffering from Lyme disease and had ingested a decent amount of Xanax his owner had given the ape to calm down. Unfortunately, he had to be shot to end his brutal rage. Charla’s family is now suing Travis’ owners for $50 million, possibly putting the dead ape itself on trial, validating its near humanity.

In another case of monkey goes nuts, two chimps that escaped in California mauled the hell out of an old man, before they too were shot down. Now separately, these just seem like random incidents of monkey mauling. But put them together with this next damning piece of evidence, and it all starts to come together.

Evidence 4

The Political Assassinations have Begun

Wild monkeys killed New Delhi’s deputy Mayor in his own home by pushing him off his balcony. Now I don’t know what kind of anti-primate legislation this guy was trying to introduce, but obviously the monkeys did. And they took it very personally.

Evidence 5

They Don’t Need Us Anymore

With this last story, I fear the chimps are only years away from taking over completely. In the Congo, armies of chimps have fashioned mallets out of tree branches in order to pound open bees nests and get at the sweet, sweet honey. Scientists have said some of the monkeys even fashioned crude “toolkits” of different wooden implements in a bid to get at the best bits of honey. How much longer until they develop hammers, gunpowder, automobiles and the A-bomb — ten, fifteen years?

It’s time to abandon this economy and our humanity. I, for one, am ready to serve our new Monkey Masters. Maybe in a few years when they run Hollywood, they’ll let us wear funny suits and act as innapropriate sidekicks. In time, you’ll all see it was for the best. So start kissing up now, or all the good roles will be gone.

Tags: honey, love, monkey, revolution, rip face off, rob, steal

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 12:56 PM and is filed under Bad News, Humor, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.