Shithead trading card #6: Samuel Israel III
Posted by drocolate on March 17th, 2009These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.
With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!
Alright, let’s talk about a blast from the past that you may not have known about.
Samuel Israel III AKA Bionic Prick
Let’s travel back in time to 2005. Back to a land of Bush politics and a false sense of economic stability. It was way back in ’05 that Samuel Israel III jumped to the front page of newspaper business sections everywhere. He was one of the founders of the hedge fund firm, Bayou Group LLC. To the outside eye he looked like a normal, successful dude. However, as was revealed in ’05, he was just another Ponzi loving shithead with a passion for ShamWow-ing innocent investors dry.
And amazingly, now, four years later, this dude has only done a few months of jail time. Yuck.
Everything started off pleasantly enough. Authorities arrested Mr. Israel back in ’05 for Ponzi-ing. He pleaded guilty and offered to help in any way he could to get his investors their money back. I guess that’s nice of him, but, to me, it just seems like a bank robber bringing some of their pilfered loot back because they felt really, really sorry about stealing it. For the next three years he was out on bail, cooperating with the authorities whenever needed. He was a total team player and it seemed like maybe that inner shithead that had Ponzi’d away all that money was finally dead and gone.
Then, in June of 2008, on the day he was supposed to report to prison to finally begin his twenty year fraud sentence, everything got weird and that inner shithead flared back up in a big way.
Mr. Israel woke up on the day he was to report and started to drive himself to prison. Where he was going to park his car once he got there, I do not know. Do prisons have a parking garage for inmates’ cars? I’m getting off track. So, Mr. Israel is on his way to prison when he decides to stop off at the Bear Mountain Bridge and do the thing that anyone in his situation would do:
Fake a little suicide and go on the run.
And with that, the inner shithead was back in full form.
Sammy left the car running and wrote “suicide is painless” in the dirt on his hood. He then hiked about 20 miles to where he had stashed a RV (an RV? Really?).
No one is exactly sure how he hiked those 20 miles, though. The guy has a pacemaker AND another device implanted in his back to help him deal with chronic pain. He’s bionic! One popular theory is that his non-bionic (unbionic?) girlfriend Debra Ryan, picked him up (in a car, not piggy-back style) and took him to the RV. She has since admitted to helping him stash it and to feeding investigators bullshit about a suicide note but she hasn’t said anything about that 20 mile hike.
Maybe he had some go-go-gadget shoes and he flew there. After all, he is bionic.
It only took investigators a few hours to figure out that Mr. Israel hadn’t jumped into the river. From there they turned the manhunt dial to eleven and went after him hard. He was even featured on America’s Most Wanted.
It took less than a month for them to find him, but from July to the present he’s been in and out of rehab centers trying to kick a pain killer addiction. The judge in the case wouldn’t let him give his plea until he was off the drugs and in his right mind.
Which brings us up to date. This morning the Bionic Prick pleaded guilty to fleeing, which should add another couple years onto the twenty he’s still scheduled for.
He is now awaiting official sentencing.
Let’s hope it doesn’t take another four years.
Get your Samuel Israel III shithead trading card now!
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Complete the set:
Tags: fraud, ponzi, Samuel Israel III, Shithead Trading Cards, suicide
See now, I had heard that his girlfriend DID pick him up piggy-back style.
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