Shithead trading card #4: Bernie Madoff
Posted by drocolate on March 2nd, 2009These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.
With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!
Alright, let’s get to one of the heaviest of the heavy hitters.
Bernie Madoff AKA King Shithead
Bernard (Bernie) Lawrence (Larry) Madoff has become the poster child for despicable, money ShamWowing shitheads nationwide. But how? Well, about three months ago he was arrested for roughly $50 billion in fraud — the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single person.
And even more vile than that: He took all of Kevin Bacon’s money. But we’ll get to that later.
For roughly 30-40 years now King Shithead has been using the ever-popular Ponzi scheme as his scam of choice. It’s a classic grift where you pay back investors with other investor’s money instead of profits. The more investors you have the more out of control this can become, and Mr. Madoff had yacht-loads of investors. The scheme, because I know you’re dying to know, was named after a dude named Charles Ponzi who conned a ton of people with it in the early 1900s. I won’t be surprised if it gets renamed the Madoff scheme in the future though, because Bernie Larry made Charles Ponzi look like a total amateur.
Fast-forward to 2008. King Shithead and his Ponzi scheme were having a really tough year. All the hits that the economy was taking led to his investors wanting to take out their money. Unfortunately there wasn’t any money to take out because Bernie had Ponzi’d it all away. The walls were closing in on Mr. Madoff when he called on his two sons in December of ‘08 and asked them to pay out $7 million in bonuses from a $200 million coffer that hadn’t been depleted yet. The sons said “WTF?” and Bernie broke down and came clean about his years of Ponzi-ing.
This dude wanted to pay out bonuses when he didn’t even have the money to pay his investors back? He’s going up against John Thain for world’s best boss honors.
From there his sons turned him in and he was arrested and placed under house arrest. Don’t worry about him though. The house that he is being forced to stay in is a $7 million penthouse thing in Manhattan. He’s doing just fine.
Now he’s just sitting inside his mansion waiting until the middle of this month, when he will be officially indicted. After that he will, eventually, be moved to a posh rich-dude prison where he will share a cell with Mike Vick for six months of a life sentence. He’ll probably get let out early for good behavior.
In a perfect world, Bernie Madoff would go to fuck-in-the-ass prison, but I just don’t see that happening.
So we have established that this dude is a real, grade-A shithead. But you may still be asking yourself: “How does that really affect me personally? I’m not investing any money with him. My money is all invested with R. Allen Stanford (SHIT!). Why should I care?”
Two words: Kevin Bacon. As has been proven time and again, everything in the world comes back to Kevin Bacon, and Mr. Bacon lost practically all of his money to Bernie Larry’s shenanigans. So if the whole six degrees thing is still active, and Kevin Bacon loses some of his money then we ALL lose some of our money. It’s the Bacon effect. It’s science.
Yeah, that was a stretch.
If that doesn’t do it for you, check THIS out. It’s a list of everyone and everything that Mr. Madoff’s grubby hands (and grubbier Ponzi scheme) touched. It’s insanely far reaching. If you can’t find a reason to dislike (because hate is strong…after all, he could be Hoggle from Labyrinth’s brother…and who doesn’t love Hoggle) this dude after looking at this, then you need to have your head examined.
Actually, hate works. Fuck you, Bernie Madoff. And fuck Hoggle, too.
Get your Bernie Madoff shithead trading card now!
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Complete the set:
Tags: bernie madoff, freeloaders, Hoggle, ponzi, scam alert, Shithead Trading Cards
[...] just paraphrasing here — if you used to be worth a million bucks, but lost all your money to Madoff, now’s the time to kick your wife to the curb because you don’t have a dime left to lose. [...]
[...] Bernie Madoff trying to give out bonuses mere hours before admitting the full scope of his shithead-ness [...]
[...] being a little more reactionary than usual. After all, they did have people warning them about King Shithead for decades. What I’m saying is that upon reading the headlines about Bruce Karatz I [...]
Here’s the deal with all of the shitheads making your list… there were warnings from others about the toxicity of their workings but the people who were supposed to be the “adults in charge”, turned out to be children too! There were no adults to be found anywhere who were supposed to protect the intended victims. Not the government agencies who were warned explicitly, not the doctors who weren’t supposed to implant more than two embryos, not in this economy and not in the next probably either, unless punishment for such crimes are swift, painful beyond imagination and advertised in Universities like “wanted posters in the old west”.
With our luck, fuckin’ Uncle Bernie will drop dead before sentencing, his family will get to keep the subject $6 million she got from her credit card reward points program and a new example will be set that high crimes do pay! Remember, what happened to the family of Enron’s late chairman & CEO?
No fuckin’ wonder we have problems with ethics.
Watch out for the zeros & ones scramble with on-line banking and don’t be surprised if you never print out your statements at least monthly. Be suspicious, not a clueless victim. And don’t ever trust anyone with your money who’s name sounds like he MADE OFF with your money any more than if his name was Fuckoff or Screweou or Yurworthles.
[...] #4: Bernie Madoff [...]
[...] keeping with the accidental theme of shithead updates, here’s the latest news on the prince of Ponzi, himself: Bernie [...]
[...] #4: Bernie Madoff [...]
[...] #4: Bernie Madoff [...]
[...] In addition to 260 actual baseball cards, 20 cards will be made featuring the likes of King Shithead himself — Bernie Madoff, Enron and the original gangsta — Charles [...]
[...] Madoff, convicted Ponzi scheme architect and known ITE shithead, has ceased to be a pain… even in [...]
[...] in February, Mr. Stanford was accused of $7 billion in fraud. He was overshadowed at the time by Bernie Madoff (roundup coming soon) but no matter how you look at it, $7 billion is a shitload of [...]