FOR SALE!! CUSTOM Cave Dwelling! Open Floorplan! 300K OBO! Must Sell!
Posted by breadwinner on February 27th, 2009
Think I should snipe this y'all?
So there’s this story out of Festus, Missouri. A (likely at least slightly insane) couple purchased three acres of land featuring an enormous cave, and over the course of five years built a 17,000 square foot home inside it. But in this economy, we can’t all afford to live out of caves, so — yadda, yadda, yadda — it’s been put up for sale on eBay. Which also happens to be where they bought the cave in the first place. It all comes back to eBay…
When I first heard about this, I assumed this was some sort of caveman-style living arrangement, picturing in my head something resembling a modestly appointed home similar but slightly better looking than what one might find in a trailer park. So naturally my reaction was, “Oh hell no y’all! Don’t sell! Just get Geico to sponsor that shit!”
Perhaps the setting for his next sitcom...
Rock on Ted!
But then I went to eBay to check out the listing itself. This house is seriously tricked out. Like Architectural Digest fancy. It has three bedrooms, a laundry room, a 400 sf kitchen and — I can only guess — plenty of storage, but most importantly/strangely, an 80 foot by 80 foot party room plus a stage where the likes of Ted Nugent, Ike and Tina Turner and even Bob Seger have performed. Were those performances actually experienced by the Sleepers, or did they just read about them in the caveman–style hieroglyphics found scrawled upon their home’s original walls? Not sure. But it’s one hell of a story. And don’t forget about the springs:
Is that an iPod?! WTF?
“The property has at least three groundwater springs, one accessible via a cistern in the middle chamber of the cave, one that yields an average of 100 gallons a day that drips into an indoor pond in the front chamber, and one near the woods that creates a shallow pond. During heavy rain, the property gets as many as fourteen beautiful waterfalls from the cliffs.”
Cistern? Waterfalls? Just think of the feng shui!
But the true problem here is hidden deep inside this story — like near where the stalactites and stalagmites usually are. The Sleepers (which just sounds plain made up to me) are just another good old American family who foolishly borrowed way more than they could afford, and while their dreams were big, their balloon payment is bigger and now they’re paying the price. Poetic, huh? Well just like another insta-celebrity we know, they’ve got a whole site dedicated to their plight. Check that out here. Here’s an excerpt:
“We never considered an economic bomb to hit the country at the same time as our balloon note. We now have less than 90 Days.”
That’s what they all say. And not surprisingly, they’re accepting donations. It has all the classic markings of a bailout bid:
1) Buy a house you can’t afford.
2) Set up crudely made appeal website.
3) Get on the news.
4) Babies.
That’s right folks, Mrs. Sleeper just had a second baby! Theodore Wesley Sleeper was just born in his parents’ cave-home in Missouri. Whoa. When that kid’s in school, he’s going to have some real fun stories to tell. Say for instance, he’s in the lunchroom and he picks up his Salisbury steak with his hands instead of cutting it properly with a knife and fork. “Were you raised by wolves?!” a nearby teacher might ask. “Nope. But I did live in a cave once,” he’ll reply. Oh Theodore Sleeper. What a smartass.
Anyway, I had a thought about who the buyer could be, but from the looks of it, I’m thinking that place isn’t exactly baby-proof. Besides, the starting bid is only $300,000. Chump change for that baby mama.
Tags: baby, eBay, home, missouri, sleepers, stalagmites, ted nugent
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