In This Economy?

These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!

Alright, let’s get on with it.

Nadya Suleman AKA Octo-disaster

WARNING: I’m going to rant a while on this one.

Nadya Suleman gave birth to eight babies about a month ago in California. Since then she has made herself extremely visible, appearing on every media outlet you can think of. The eight new babies, who are all still in the hospital, are doing well and will soon be strong enough to go home where they will meet their six young siblings. That’s right. Fourteen kids. And the oldest one is seven. Oh, and he’s the man of the house right now because Ms. Suleman is a single parent. Of FOURTEEN kids.

Let me take a second here to clear up a couple of things. I want to be clear that I have nothing against any of the fourteen kids. Good for them. I wish them all the best. And I definitely don’t have anything against single parents. Good for them. I wish them all the best.

I do have a problem with Ms. Suleman and her apparent abuse of fertility drugs and treatments. Obviously her doctor must share some of the blame on this (and he is), but having babies is not the same thing as getting sandwiches at Subway. There is no Sub Club Card here. The twelfth one is not free of charge.

And speaking of costs and money, Octo-disaster is currently unemployed and living with her parents in a home that is being foreclosed on. She collects money from the government each month in food stamp form (no shame in that) and has “no intention of becoming a welfare mother”. News flash, Nadya: very few mothers intend on becoming welfare mothers. Usually their circumstances just become more than they can handle. See having fourteen kids as a good example of these circumstances. The care for the eight newborns in the hospital is also a financial issue. The labor and long recovery time is going to wind up costing somewhere in the seven or eight figures range. And who is going to pay that? Congratulations America, it’s a boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, girl, girl.

I’m just in awe about the entire thing. Let’s try walking in her shoes for a second. Maybe that will make this easier to swallow. First, you’ll have to take that shoe out of the toilet because one of the toddlers you already have and love left it in there. Got it? Good. Now, imagine yourself sitting at home with these six young children. You are (somehow) feeling a little lonely so you decide to visit your fertility doctor and have some frozen embryos implanted. Your doctor happens to be crazy and makes no attempt to advise you against implanting these embryos. He’s probably got designs on writing a book or playing himself opposite Valerie Bertinelli in the inevitable Lifetime movie about all of this. He implants the embryos. SIX OF THEM. Two of them split into twins and bing bang boom, the rest is history. Even if this doctor would have only implanted one embryo, that is still seven kids. That’s still more bunch than the Brady’s ever mustered.

I guess my issue really just focuses on how irresponsible all of this is. Someone along the way should have just shook her and screamed, “ITE!?!?!!“. She is planning on going to school to become a counselor and feels confident that when she finishes she should have more than enough money to support her and her brood. Yeah, that’s just not true. Even the awesomest counseling job in the universe is not going to pay you enough to cover fourteen children. She may be aware of this however, because she has hired a publicist (her second one, the first quit due to death threats) and has set up a one-step-above-geocities-quality website where you can go and give donations. I’m sure a book will be written and who knows, a TV show may be lurking in the wings. Especially after this story’s latest development…

It turns out all fourteen kids were created using sperm from the same donor. It’s some dude Nadya knows. A “friend”. Well that friendship is about to get very strained because Dennis Beaudoin, or as I’m calling him — Mr. Spermbank, has come forward and now wants a piece of Octo-disaster’s debt pie. I can see the TV show now: “Octo-mom and friend and their 14 kids”. So many different plot lines to follow! Of course Mr. Beaudoin may be a liar who is simply in search of his fifteen minutes. If that’s the case here’s a few seconds of it. Congrats.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Ms. Suleman is looking into purchasing a million dollar home. Or at least she’s looking into making it look like she’s purchasing a million dollar home. She scheduled a private viewing of a $1.24 million home and then brought a TV camera crew along with her to presumably film an interview inside. The viewing was canceled by the realtor when all the details were revealed. The home in question here only had four bedrooms anyway. That’s a lot of bunk beds.

I could go on but I’ve already said way too much. To sum up, Nadya Suleman stands for everything we need to move away from in today’s shitty economic climate. She seems to be a loving mother who truly cares for all fourteen of her children but unfortunately simply being able to love your kids is not enough. You have to be able to support them as well. And in that regard, I mean financially. Ms. Suleman is now, at least in my mind, one of the poster children for the attitude of living outside your means that has gotten our country where it is today. In the dumper.

I hope that next time the Octo-disaster is feeling lonely she buys a fish.

And thus endeth the rant.

Get your Nadya Suleman shithead trading card now!

—

Complete the set:

#1: R. Allen Stanford

Tags: babies, bailout, eggs, freeloaders, Nadya Suleman, octomom, Shithead Trading Cards, sperm

This entry was posted on Monday, February 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 PM and is filed under Shithead Trading Cards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.