Shithead trading card #1: R. Allen Stanford
Posted by drocolate on February 20th, 2009These days it seems like every time you check the news there is a story about a new despicable, money-vacuuming, upper-tier douchebag. Some are scamming people out of billions while some are just assholes doing asshole-ish things. It can all be a bit overwhelming.
With that in mind, I have decided to create some shithead trading cards. A set of the worst of the worst. Please print them off and use them as a reference whenever you get confused as to which common thief did what to whom when. Collect them all and trade with your friends!
Alright, let’s get started with a man who’s been in the news recently.
R. Allen Stanford AKA Sir Asshole
R. Allen Stanford is the latest fucking charlatan to hit the scene. He’s accused of scamming people out of $8 billion in the United States and in the island of Antigua. He’s been getting people to invest in his projects for years using made-up information and statistics about growth potential. If a confident Texan with a sweet mustache flew you down to Antigua on a private jet and told you they could double your investment inside of a year, you’d probably do it. Unfortunately if that someone was R. Allen Stanford then they knew from the start that that investment wasn’t going to grow that fast, if at all.
Speaking of Antigua, he’s had a major impact there, where he was knighted in 2006. Sir Asshole does have a certain ring to it. Very regal. Other than the knighting he’s pumped millions into the Antiguan economy and spent a massive chunk of change setting up high profile cricket matches on the island. Cricket? That should have been a major warning sign that something was off about this guy. What is a dude from Texas doing investing in cricket? That’s extremely suspect. His cricket gifts are only one side of the coin though. He and all the alleged fraud he’s involved with have caused one major Antiguan bank that he worked with to close down and another has had a massive influx of people looking to withdraw all of their money. Basically, he’s pooped all over Antigua.
Once his crimes were announced he started laying low, so much so that he managed to evade the authorities for roughly a week. The FBI got involved and located him in Virginia today where was served with court papers. They don’t believe he was purposefully trying to run or hide. He probably just didn’t have access to TV or Internet during that time. Yeah. Bullshit.
So, in summation, Sir Asshole is being charged with $8 billion in fraud. Basically, he’s being charged with pulling a Madoff (we’ll get to him later). He is also being charged, by me, with lameness for being a cricket fan. His power stache cancels out this charge though.
Get your R. Allen Stanford shithead trading card now!
Tags: Antigua, freeloaders, R. Allen Stanford, Shithead Trading Cards
i like the cards. where can i get some more?
More will be coming in the weeks to come. Stay tuned.
[...] momentarily contemplated making this guy into a shithead trading card, but then I remembered how frustrated I get with my yacht from time to time so he gets a pass. [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford Spread the Word: [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford Spread the Word: [...]
[...] I’m not investing any money with him. My money is all invested with R. Allen Stanford (SHIT!). Why should I [...]
wow, i worked for this dirtbag for the last five years. never had a clue (not a financial advisor). this is hysterical. i think the power stache makes him look hitler-ish. also has a creepy hitler-ish fascination with eagles. we had to wear an eagle on our lapel. just like the officers in the third reich. well, at least he did not kill anyone or send them to concentration camps. although he has certainly ruined some lives now. disgusting prick.
Well, I can see how investors were taken in by this turd. Afterall the hints are subtle. At least with Uncle Bernie, his last name shouldn’t surprise investors, He Made Off with everyone’s money. And when he was balsey enogh to always produce a 20% mininmum (imaginary) interest on their money, that should have been a hint.
nonetheless, characters like the ones you honor with your trading cards could provide a useful purpose if geneticists could find a common gene for obscene greed & sociopathic behavior. The next job is to screen big CEOs for the gene and make it a crime to employ them. I wonder how they would do as dumpster divers, or shark feed… At least give em’ free & mandatory vasectomies.
–Keep up the great writing and great layout.
[...] Sir Asshole himself, Mr. R. Allen Stanford, has decided to take the fifth in his fraud case. Just in case you forgot, Mr. Stanford pulled a Madoff and Ponzi’d away $8 billion of his investors money. He did a lot of this shady business out of one of his banks in Antigua. As a result the island of Antigua has really taken a hit. Though they probably had it coming for knighting this shithead in the first place. [...]
[...] right! He’s back again! Sir Shithead just will not go away. It turns out Mr. Stanford owes about $226 million in back taxes. Let that [...]
[...] examples of how greed has stayed strong during this economic shit tsunami are HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford Spread the Word: [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford [...]
[...] this blog for a while then you know that I’m not a huge fan of R. Allen Stanford. Go HERE or HERE or HERE to see what I’m talking [...]
[...] this blog for a while then you know that I’m not a huge fan of R. Allen Stanford. Go HERE or HERE or HERE to see what I’m talking [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford Spread the Word: [...]
[...] -Originally published on 2/20/09- [...]
You can’t have a shithead list without including the 2 judges from Luzerne county Pa. Mark Ciavarella and Michael Conahan indicted for sending kids to prison for kickbacks from the private prison.There’s also been 19 employees from the courthouse indicted for various offenses thanks to the F.B.I.
[...] The first shithead trading card (Good old R. Allen Stanford, who is now rotting away in prison) [...]
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford document.getElementById("post-9771-blankimage").onload(); Spread the Word: [...]
Look, this guy is a total asshole, but please DON’T BASH CRICKET, it is incredibly interesting game once you understand it. Have you ever seen a Cricket ball up close? They are incredibly well crafted, they make baseballs look like a rolled up sock.
[...] #1: R. Allen Stanford Spread the Word: [...]